Looking Inside Myself

Looking Inside Myself

I went on a fascinating excursion to the mountains where I saw exuberant tropical vegetation and experienced faith in my Higher Power. That night while practicing Step Ten and meditating about what happened during the day, I thought about being tolerant and patient with myself. I was ready to explore new places, accept my limitations, and keep my mind receptive to new experiences. I thought leaving my past behind could be a turning point for me, but sleeplessness and fear interrupted my serenity.

All of a sudden, I heard soldiers shouting, guns cracking, and dogs barking. Panic overtook me. I couldn't understand what was happening. My body felt cold and my heart started beating faster. I knelt and repeated the Serenity Prayer. Childhood memories rushed to mind as I associated the soldiers' shouts with my abusive, punishing father who had piled responsibilities on me. The only reason I had met my father's demands was to make him happy. I repeated my behavior in my marriage to an alcoholic husband and prolonged my anger and fears.

My life became unmanageable the night I allowed my past to overwhelm me. Facing my past was necessary, but only one minute at a time. My Higher Power's presence urged me to ask myself several questions. What should I do in this crisis? What have I learned from practicing the Twelve Steps? Have I thought about applying the Al-Anon program in my personal recovery? Am I really enjoying what life offers me? Am I sabotaging my recovery? Am I offensive to myself?

I cried in silence as I remembered the close relationships I had with members in my Al-Anon group. I accepted that alcoholism affected my life. The disease had limited, obstructed, and devastated my dream of becoming the very person I wanted to be. The slogans, "Think" and "Let It Begin with Me," led me to check my Fourth Step and I recognized fear, anger, and a lack of security. For the first time, I courageously met my fear, anger, and lack of security head on. I didn't run. I promised myself I would no longer be alone because I believed my Higher Power was watching over me. My confusion about the soldiers was no longer important as a sense of serenity invaded the room.

That night I asked my Higher Power for a bag. I put past, unpleasant events into the bag and gave it back to my Higher Power. Letting go of the situation, I thanked my Higher Power for being close to me and for helping me with my personal recovery.

When I woke up early the next morning, I went over to the window. I admired the view of the solid mountains covered with fog temporarily blocking the sunlight. Soon my Higher Power’s answer came to me, "Tolerance." I was thankful because Al-Anon philosophy is now part of my life. It permits me to explore my inner-being. As I get to know myself, I'm beginning to love the person I am.

By Irma G., Perú
The Forum, February 2006