Home Again

Home Again

I went to a therapist because of depression I couldn't shake due to a miscarriage. She told me Al-Anon had everything I needed. What a shock! I didn't think my husband was an alcoholic. I attended a meeting because I respected the therapist, but I expected the members to tell me I was in the wrong place and my husband wasn't an alcoholic. As I listened to Al-Anon members share their stories, I realized the therapist was right and I cried through my first six meetings.

I didn't really understand that the program was about me. The Steps were amazing and the world would be a great place if everyone lived by them, but the slogans seemed kind of silly. The first time I detached, I did so without any love. I kicked my husband out of the house!

My husband and I got back together the day before our divorce was final. He agreed to go to Alcoholics Anonymous. I quit going to Al-Anon because I accomplished my mission. My husband stopped going to AA a month later. Our marriage spiraled downward. We had another baby and bought a house. My husband quit working. I worked overtime to keep us financially afloat.

When I asked my husband if he was drinking again, he looked at me with hurt in his eyes and said, "How can you even think that?" I became a screaming maniac and shook all the time. All I could think about was that my children needed their father. How could I raise them alone?

Memories of my 40th birthday include looking for cans to recycle so we could get money to buy diapers. The mortgage company was ready to foreclose on our house and my husband looked like a street bum. I begged him to get help. Eventually I packed up the children and we moved in with my parents. All I really wanted to do was die, but my children depended on me.

At that darkest time in my life, I thought about an Al-Anon slogan. "One Day at a Time" became one step at a time as I thought, "Just put one foot in front of the other." I focused on the Just for Today bookmark (M-12). It suggested I could do anything for 12 hours. I also repeated in my mind, "I didn't cause alcoholism, I can't control it, and I can't cure it."

When I decided to return to Al-Anon, I felt so ashamed that I didn't want to go to a face-to-face meeting. My husband found an on-line Al-Anon meeting for me and I started healing. Eventually I returned to the first group I attended. It was comforting to see familiar faces. The members welcomed me back with love and I felt like I was home again. My Sponsor is awesome. I returned to college and I sing in my church choir. I was painfully shy before Al-Anon and now I'm coming out of my shell and truly living life.

By Pat W., Michigan
The Forum, November 2005

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